Things It Took Me Fifty Years To Learn

• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

• There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

• People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

• When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use as His messenger a person on Cable TV with a bad hairstyle and a polyester suit.

• You should not confuse your career with your life.

• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

• Never lick a steak knife.

• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

• The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

• You will never find a person who can give a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Savings Time.

• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

• The one thing that unites all human beings is that, deep down inside, we ALL consider ourselves above-average drivers.

• The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

• Your true friends love you anyway.